This is my first time participating in Science Fiction Fantasy Saturday, despite the fact that Heidi Ruby Miller has been telling me about it for months. I’ve finally listened to her sage advice, as we all should.
The snippet below is from my novel in progress, Abens in Remota. It is a tragic romance with strong elements of fantasy and science fiction and lots of action. Lots, lots, lots. Readers accustomed to my experimentation with form will find plenty of surreal mind-bending to keep them busy within the text itself. In this scene our two central characters attempt to become reacquainted with each other after more than a century apart…
* * *
The sun will disappear over the horizon soon, and seems to be pulling the clouds over itself to stay warm for the night. Cordelia remembers Sean saying something about that to her in worlds past. The sun in question was green, and those clouds were silvery with toxic metal particles, but it was an adorable notion regardless. She closes her eyes, listens for his body and subtle movements below the noise of the tide coming in. Her senses assure her this is really happening.
He says, “This is the most beautiful sunset ever.”
She draws in breath with lips twisted in a dour I’m-going-to-shoot-you-down way, but stops, nods. “In the history of this universe, and the millions we destroyed.”
“Come on now, Lotus. You know it was more than millions.”
* * *
You can read another snippet in my previous blog post Tag Part 2.
John Edward Lawson 
O.o Different. Interesting. Now I’m curious to learn more about this story. Welcome to SFFSat!!
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Thank you! I’m really, really enjoying the writing process on this one. More will be posted soon!
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Fascinating – I’m not used to a narrative in the present tense. It works very effectively alongside the implication that these two have known each other for centuries. And that final line is a killer…
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Thanks, Peter! I was unsure what tense to go with this time, but it felt natural to take this route given the frequent flashbacks. As for the final line, it does bring a smile to my face…
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Boom! That last line got me!
Beautiful imagery and a wonderful sentiment about reconnecting after a century.
Well done, John.
🙂 Heidi
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Thanks Heidi! And thanks for recommending SFFS. All the feedback is giving me renewed energy to go forth and destroy more universes…
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Talk about a surprise on the end of the snippet! Wow!
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Yes, I don’t know if you can call them “good guys” exactly, but they’ve never destroyed a universe on purpose…yet. Heh.
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Happy first #sffsat! It’s a wonderful first time. Beautiful details, dramatic dialogue. I can’t imagine the emotional torrent that would accompany reconnecting after a century with the person you destroyed universes with. Heavy.
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Thanks, J.M., for welcoming me to the group! And yes, the first few chapters here are an emotional rolloercoaster. I love watching people in love suffer for their relationship–probably why I’m a total sucker for romantic comedies. Yeah, I’m a guy and I said it. But anyway, thanks also for the kind words regarding the text.
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Definitely an interesting snippet…and the ending made me want to find out what they were a part of before. Welcome to the #sffsat crew!
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Thanks, T.M.! I’m sure I’ll be participating again. All this postive feedback is giving me the incentive to really push forward and finihs this story!
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Beautiful details. You know our sun is green, don’t you, in terms of where its radiation peaks? Atmospheric effects could make it look greener.
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Ha! Well, I did not realize that. Very helpful information! Thanks 🙂
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Very different snippet! Good use of present tense–it flows very well. It’s a hard tense to pull off, too. Like everyone else, I loved the last line! Welcome to #sffsat. 🙂
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Thank you, Ann, for the kind assessment re: present tense. I really like working in this tense, but often don’t find myself working on a suitable story for it. And thanks for the welcome!
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Welcome to SFFSat!
Nice twist at the end. I love the imagery you’ve used. Looking forward to more!
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Thank you, J.C. 🙂 This portion is fairly tame in the imagery department compared to much of the novel, but sometimes tame is good. Off to write some more…
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Ouch! That doesn’t sound very pleasant (the destruction of sunsets)… eeek! Great stuff. Welcome to SFFS, by the way 🙂
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Thanks, Laurel! Don’t worry, we’ll see some new sunsets created soon enough 🙂
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Woah, am back for more next week. Love the use of the present tense and I’m intrigued about the millions of sunsets they’ve destroyed.
Welcome to SFFSat!
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Yes you should listen to Heidi’s sage wisdom! Welcome to SFFS 🙂
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Thanks for the welcome, Chantal! And I’ve learned the hard way about Heidi and her wisdom. She’s had to beat it into my head with a hammer. Why? Apparently I dislike wisdom! Sad.
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I like this. I like this a lot. I’ve always been obsessed with the idea of awesome couples who not only create, but also destroy together. I have multiple poems that speak to this idea. Oh, and Heathcliff and Catherine are my favorite literary couple for this reason. The couple who destroys together, stays together!…Ok, maybe not. 🙂 Of particular note are the phrases “pulling the clouds over itself to stay warm”, “adorable notion”, “a dour I’m-going-to-shoot-you-down way”, and, of course, the infamous last line! I want more. Immediately.
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Thanks, Heather! Hmm. Maybe you’d like to be my beta reader as I make progress with the novel?
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I’m sorry, I just pooped myself. After I get cleaned up, sure! 🙂
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Oh, very nice. I love your imagery and the way you juxtapose the beauty of the clouds with their toxic makeup. Great last line! It draws me in and makes me want to know more about this world.
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Ah, I love the twist! Unexpected and perfect. =)
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Really atmospheric and eerie. Loved it 🙂
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Welcome to SFFSat! I realize I’m a week late commenting — sorry; been a really busy week.
I really like your description of the sunset, and your use of present tense draws one in instantly. I definitely want to know more. Great snippet!
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Thank you for the welcome, Katje! No worries…I totally understand about the busy week. It’s really good of you to come back and check this first snippet, though. Also, thanks for the kind words.
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